One Step

(6/13/06)
it was
one step
too many
it was
one step
too late
to save
myself
It was
the beginning
of the end
I wasn't looking
I didn't see it coming
around the bend
I took
a tumble
there was
nothing
to grab on to
nothing
to stop
or slow
my fall
and now
I'm laying
in this
deep, dark,
cold ravine
no light
is shining
no beacon
to save me
now
so I lay here
too scared
to try and
move
too scared
to find my way
in the darkness
scared that
I may take
one step
too many
I may take
one step
too late
to save
myself
I could
fall
farther
I could
sink
so far
below
that
I'll never
ber found
it could be
one step
too many
it could be
one step
too late

Coffin

(6/10/06)
I awake in the darkness
Usure of where I am
I try to move
Try to sit up and take stock of my surrondings
But the ceiling is too low
The walls are awfully close
No room for me to move
I cry out
"Someone help me"
"Please, save me"
I hear a thud on the ceiling
"Hello, is anyone out there?"
"I am here. Please let me out"
More thuds
The air is growing thin
The thuds are growing softer
"Please.
Please help me" I whisper
But no one hears my cry

The Edge

(6/10/06)
Have you ever stood at the edge
The edge between life and death
Have you ever asked yourself
Should I continue on the path
Or throw myself over the edge
Have you ever tried to ask for help
Only to have them push you closer
Have you ever stood at the edge
The edge between life and death
And felt yourself falling?

Walls

(6/10/06)
Everyday they grow a little taller
Everyday they get a little closer
I used to be able to see
Until forever
Whichever way I turned
I used to be able to see
The blue skies up
To the heavens above
Everyday they grow a little taller
Everyday they grow a little closer
One day I spotted them
The walls on the horizon
Everyday they grow a little taller
Everyday they grow a little closer
The taller and closer they got
The darker my world became
I tried to climb out
To find my way to the other side
But the walls were too high
Everyday they grow a little taller
Everyday they grow a little closer
They are closing in around me
Blocking out the light
I fear I will suffocate
In this prison
My lifeless body
Crushed between
The ever enclosing walls

In to the Black

(6/10/06)
I'm out too far
Where the water turns black
I'm exhausted
From trying to stay afloat
I pray for death to find me
To take me away from the pain
But it doesn't come
My legs keep churning
Attempting to keep my head aboue water
In the distance I see the boat
I cry out for assistance
"Please help me" I cry
"For I cannot go on"
"Swim to shore" they say
"You can make it"
I look for land
But all I see is ocean
"You can swim out of the blue"
they cry as they sail right past me
"I can swim out of the blue" I say
"But can't you see,
The blue is long gone.
I'm out in the black"
I want to give up
Stop my fruitless paddling
I'm tired
of being tossed around
Like flotsom
among the brutal waves
Pushed this way,
Pulled that way
I want to sink
Into the black
To be dragged under
In to the silent, peaceful
Endless night

Thoughts

(5/18/06)
Leave me be
Give me some peace
I can't stop thinking
About how things used to be
About how they could be today
It ended so suddenly
at first I couldn't believe it was over
Surely it cannot end this way
I said
But end it did
You were gone
Leaving nothing of your behind
It should have been easy to move on
There were no pictures left
To remind me of you
No forgotten belongings
That used to be yours
But you fill my thoughts
At least once a day
You cross my mind
And the memory of
How things used to be
The dreams of how they could be today
But you're not here
You've gone
You've moved on
No thoughts of me to bother you
No thoughts of me to slow you down
And just when I think
I've moved on
You turn up in my dreams
Even in sleep I am haunted by you
I cannot stop thinking
About how things used to be
About how they could be today
Give me some peace
Leave me be

If You Could

Would you take it back
If you could
Would you erase what happened
If you could
Would you go back
To the way things were
If you could
Would you take back
That one thing
The thing that messed it all up
If you could
Or would you erase it all
If you could
Get rid of every memory
Every memory of us
If you could
Would you erase all of me
If you could

Goodbye

Goodbye
I need to say it
I need to leave this place
There's nothing left for me here
I need to pack my bags
Put them in my car
And drive away
No looking in the reveiew mirror
I need to say goodbye
I need to leave this place
There's nothing left for me here
I need to head towar the horizon
Need to seek out new pastures
Need to leave this desolate wasteland
Behind me
I need to say goodbye
I need to leave this place
There's nothing left for me here

Where Did You Go?

(5/14/06)
Where did you go?
You used to be right here with me
You used to be by my side
You were my strength
My reason for going on
Where did you go?
You used to pick me up when I fell
You used to cheer me up when I was down
You were my joy
The reason to live
Where did you go?
You left me behind
Looking back
I can see
How you were gone
Before you left
One day I looked around
And you were no where to be found
Where did you go?
Why did you leave when I needed you most?
How can I go on?
Who will lend me a hand when I need it?
How could you go?
How could you just leave me behind?
Where did you go?

My Fault

(5/14/06)
I understand why you left
It was all my fault
I thought I knew you
Turns out I was wrong
You seemed so nice
So trustworthy
I thought you were like me
Turns out I was wrong
I understand why you left
It was all my fault
I thought you were someone else
Turns out I was wrong
I never really knew you at all
Did you ever know me?
I understand why you left
It was all my fault
I thought I knew you
Turns out I was wrong
Now I sit here
Trying to piece together
My broken heart
I thought I knew you
It was all my fault

Thank You

(5/14/06)
Thank you
You were always there
You had my back
Whenever I was in trouble
You were there
To pull me back
When I fell
You were there
To pick me up
There are not enough words
For me to explain
Your love for me
Was the only thing
That mattereed
When everyone else
Left
You were there
Thank you

Where Do I Belong?

(5/14/06)
Where do I belong?
Sometimes I am too young
Sometimes I am too old
I just never seem to fit
Where do I belong?
In this world of pears
I am the lone apple
Never quite matching
But not different enough
to be noticed
Where do I belong?
This group seems like it might be home
But there's not room left, for me
I try that group
But I just don't get it
I don't understand
Where do I belong?
I keep trying
But nothing ever fits
There seems to be
No space
For me

Now

I see you now
In your new life
The one that doesn't include me
I see you now
And you seem happy
I see you now
And think of then
I see you now
And hope that someday
It will be my turn
To find a little piece of happiness
I'm glad you found
What you wanted
I wish it had been me
Me who found what I wanted
Me who was what you wanted
I see you now
In your new life
The one without me
I see you now
You seem happy
Someday soon
It will be my turn

No Excuses

There are no excuses
for what I did to you
I could give you reasons
I could tell you
I was hurting
I wanted you to hurt like me
I could tell you
I was scared
i didn't know what to do
Ic ould tell you
I didn't know what I was doing
Until it was too late
I could tell you
You got too close
I could not breathe
I could tell you
I wanted to push you away
Before you did the same to me
I could justify my actions
In many ways and forms
But that would not change the fact
There are no excuses
For what I did to you.

Why?

Would it hurt this much
If it were not love?
Why
Do all my relationships end
This way?
Me
Left and Forgotten
Not important at all
What is it
That I do?
Because
the common denominator
Is me
Do I love
Too freely?
But that is not me
Miser of love
Is more my speed
Should I love
More freely?
But how could
I bear
The pain
When it almost
Kills me now
Should I be
More careful
In my selection?
But then
I did not set out
To love them
It just happened
There was nothing
I could do
To stop it
Or should
I just not love
At all?
Save myself from
All the pain
Oh, that I were
Dead inside
Would it hurt this much
If it were not love?

Faded

I wonder
If you ever think of me
If you ever regret the loss of what we had
Are you like me
thinking about what once was
Or have you forgotten
All that we shared
Will it be
that someday we'll meet
And you won't know
Who I am
You'll say ' I may have known
Someone like you...
Once upon a time'
My heart will be
Crushed
The memories
I hold so dear
Nothing but a faded glimmer
To you
Tell me how
To be like you
Tell me how
To move on
Forget all that we shared
The joy
The tears
Make it all but
A faded memory
I wonder
If you ever think of me
If you ever regret the loss of what we had

The other side

I never let myself
Fall
I see the pain
It's caused others
I don't want that
To be me
Hurting
So much
Because I let
You get close
I sit inside
Watching the people
Go by
Wishing I could be them
Fearless
Not afraid
Of what is on
The other side
Of the window
Instead
I sit here
Watching
Life passing by
Wiping the tears
From my eyes

Emptiness

There is a darkness inside me
An emptiness few see
No one knows its depth
I cover it up with smiles
Pretend that it's not there
But soon it overtakes me
I try to hold it back
Thry to fill the hole inside
But nothing makes it better
LIght does nothing to dim the darkness
There is a darkness inside me
An emptiness few see

Stuck

Why am I still stuck here
Unable to move forward
Why do you get to go on
Move on with your own life
When you're the reason I'm here
It isn't fair
Why must I receive the punishment
Why can't I move on
Sometimes I think about telling ou
All the ways that you hurt me
I want to show you all the scars
You left behind
But then I see you
And it's like I'm back
At the beginning
Unable to say a word
Unable to make a move
Unable to unleash what is inside of me
Why am I the one who is stuck here
Unable to move forward
Why am I the one who is punished
When I did nothing wrong
Why do you get to go on
Move on with your own life
When you're the reason I am here
Stuck at the beginning
Unable to move forward
Stuck in this place
Where you belong
Life just isn't fair.

Chain Reaction

We are all connected
It's a chain reaction
The hurt and the pain
Passed from one to another
The grief dragging us down
Do you see what you've done
Does it matter to you?
We are all connected
It's a chain reaction
The hurt inflicted on you
Is inflicted on me too
It's becoming too much to bear
Do you see what you've done
Does it matter to you?
We are all connected
It's a chain reaction
Why must the chain be made of pain
Can it not be a happiness reaction
Passing on joy and hope to one another
Do you see what can be done
Does it matter to you
We are all connected
It's a chain reaction

Eye of the Hurricane

The storm has past
The rain has stopped
The sun is shining
The world seems so bright.
Is this the truth,
or is it just the eye of the hurricane
My life wasn't going so well
Weverything was topsy turvy & upside down
Nothing going my way
No sun shining on me
But then there was you
The gray skies faded away
And the sun was all around me
Is this the truth,
or is it just the eye of the hurricane
Are the gray skies gone for good
Is the sunshine here to stay
Or is this the calm before the storm
What we had was so good
I thought it'd last forever
But things went wrong
The storm clouds moved in
I looked for you
I wanted you by my side
I hoped we could ride the storm out together
But through the wind and the rain
I couldn't find you
Are you gone for good
Or are you just lost
will you appear when the rain stops
Or will the sun never shine on me again
Is this the truth
Or is it just the eye of the hurricane
Are the gray skies gone for good
I the sunshine here to stay
Or is this just the calm before the storm

You told me to be myself
Stay true to who I am
That I would be loved for who I am
So I dropped my defenses
Showed you the true me
And nnow I can't find you
No matter how hard I look

Waste of Time

I think about you
What a waste of my time
Thoughts of you
Cross my mind
What a waste of my time
Think of all the reasons
I loved you
What a waste of my time
Think of all the reasons
I hate you
What a waste of my time
Think of all the time
We spent together
What a waste of my time
Think of all the time
We spent apart
What a waste of my time
All the thoughts
about you
What a waste of my time
What a waste of my time
Oh you were the
Wast of my life

It took me awhile
to let my defenses down
It took some time
for me to drop my guard
But finally
it happend
and I began to trust
I thought, This is easy
I didn't know why
I waited so long
There were days when I slipped
fell back to the past
Questioned the trust
Did not believe it was strong enough
to last
But you were always there
to assure me of its strength
This bond is forever,
never shall it break, you said
I still didn't believe,
but the distrust became a little smaller
each day
Then came the day
you said would never arrive
The day that you left
You left me behind
The bond was broken
Shattered to the core
None of your words can be trusted;
They all turned to lies
The walls I took down
because of you
have now been rebuilt.
Taller,
Wider,
Thicker,
Stronger
I don't know
if these walls will ever
be broken
All that remains
is a cold
replica
of who I once was

I Thought

I thought you'd understand
Hadn't you been here too?
I thought you'd be the one
I could go to
The one
Who would know
What to do
I thought you'd understand
All I needed was love
A little time and attention
A thought that you cared
I thought you'd understand
That you'd help me
Find my way
That you'd lend me
A hand
But from you I got nothing
No word
No call
No helping hand
I though I had sunk as low
As could be
But when you weren't there
I found out
How low
Low could be

Your world is falling to pieces
the walls tumbling all around
Your world is falling to pieces
the rubble lays at your feet
You call to me
Help me, you say
So I pick up some rubble
try to help you rebuild

My world is falling to pieces
the walls tumbling all around
My world is falling to pieces
the walls tumbling all around
My world is falling to pieces
the rubble lays at my feet
I call to you
Help me, I say

But you don't come.
You can't hear me, I think
Please won't you help me, I cry
as the rubble builds to my knees
Begging and pleading I shout to the sky
But soon I am drowning in the rubble
That once was my life
Sinking so low
No strength left to cry

Where Were You

Where were you
When my world came
Crashing down on me?
Where were you
When I was no longer
Able to keep it together?
Where were you
When I was buried
Beneath the rubble?
Through my tears
I think I saw you
Standing on the sidelines
With a sledgehammer in
Your hands.

Keep or Toss

Going through the things in my room
I come across memories of a different time
A different life
One where you and I were friends
One where I thought that would always be true
A different time
A different life
Happiness ruled my life
Now the darkness reigns supreme
And it seems it will always be that way
I reread the old letters
Remembering the feelings of that time
I ask myself keep or toss
Keep the memories of a happier time
Of a happier life
One where you and I were friends
One when I thought that would always be true
A different time
A different life
Would it be better to toss out the old memories
The letters written
The presents given
Everything that makes me think of you
Everything that reminds me of the happier times
Where you and I were friends
When I thought that we would always be

Stay

I tried to push you away
Even though I really needed you to stay
I didn't believe that you would
I punished you for someone else's crime
Now you're gone
And there's no one to blame but me

Suffocation

I try to climb out
but the weight is pulling me down
and then I'm falling
falling in the darkness
falling in the darkness again
the weight of the emptiness is weighing me down
I can't see
I can't breathe
and I'm falling in the darkness
falling in the darkness again
there is no end in sight
when will this be over
it is like a vacuum
sucking all the life from me
and then I'm falling in the darkness
falling in the darkness
falling in the darkness again

Distance

Do you feel it?
Do you feel it?
We're growing apart.
The distance between us grows larger every day.
Can you see it?
Can you see it?
The distance has become a visable thing.
I watch you move further and further away.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear it?
The sound of us drifting away.
The distance is over taking us.
I thought we'd be forever.
I thought nothing could get in our way.
But it's here.
It's pushing us further apart everyday.
We are going our own seperate ways.
Can you feel it?
Do you feel us slipping away?

If I left

Do you still need me?
Would it bother you if I left?
I don't seem to be a part of your life anymore.
You've moved on.
Do you remember me at all?
Did I touch your life like you touched mine?
Or am I just a vague memory to you?
A ghost of the past on the fringes of your mind
Easy to ignore
Is it easy for you to forget
Would you even notice if I left?